(nothing….nothing….absolutely nothing…!!)

My last entry had been almost two months back, and I had been wondering why I couldn’t find enough words to put them into something that made some sense, eventually. Or maybe it’s the other way round….maybe there’s too many of them. Not one related to the other. And for the life of me, I couldn’t seem to find a way to churn out one decent piece of writing from all of them.

Off late there have been too many profound thoughts going on in my mind. Too many overpowering flashes of “Oh my god how did I not see this before?” and “I HAVE to say this out loud to somebody, anybody…or else I’ll burst right now”. And say out loud I would. Which actually left me with nothing to write about. Does it work like that with all the people who love to write like I do, I wonder. Are they people who can’t stop talking like me too? Or are they like those deep rivers….very still on the surface? With each word passing from their lips measured and weighed and only then spoken out loud? Me, I consider to be a gurgling brook…with words tumbling on one another, making splashing noises and breaking into a million brilliant droplets, each one carrying a dot of sunshine in their heart. Not to forget that even brooks have those occasional dips where they are, indeed deep. Just by random chance.

Then why this post all of a sudden?

Nothing, except that, after a long time I’ve had one of those crappy days when you just can’t put your finger on that one thing which went wrong to get your mood all sour and bitter. If only I could have cribbed and complained about that one wrong which made all the rights irrelevant, even then it would have made some sense. I mean that’s how it’s supposed to work, right? You wail and you whine and you get it out of your system. But hell, fat help it is, if half the time you’re racking your brain for something specific to wail about.

I come back from an actually interesting class, for a change, already having decided to bunk the next two classes to keep that happy feeling (which is so very rare and precious) lasting through the whole day at least, and looking forward to having some “me” time. But before I know it, just like that, there’s a frown on my face and for the life of me, I couldn’t even figure out why! And slowly it cascades into a full blown mood swing. So palpable I can almost feel the depression cells in my system tingling and coming to life.

Now the people who are close to me know that at this point in time, my life really couldn’t have been better. I mean it. For once in my life, I have nothing to complain about. Boring, I know, but that’s how it goes right now! And yet, there I am, staring blankly at the laptop screen, fiddling with the phone in one hand and turning the pages of the book I was reading with the other. Call it multitasking if you have to, I’ll say that’s me at my fidgety worst.

Crazy though it may sound, I really tried doing an “out-of-mind” workout… like I was two persons at the same time, trying to sort out the crisis attack as gently as possible. I just ended up disputing with myself. One self said “F**k off..!” to the other and the other said “Alright then, keep sulking you bi***…!”And that was that. End of story.

Except that it isn’t just the whole sudden mood swing that bothers me. Heaven knows I’ve had too many of them to be bugged by them anymore. Come to think of it, I guess it’s more the absence of it over an extensive interlude and the sudden reappearance in this way that’s getting me thinking.  Like I’ve mentioned already, off late there have been way too many good stuff happening in my life. So much that if I would have sat down and written about all of them (which, unfortunately, I didn’t) it would have been almost difficult to finish one because I would already have started writing the next one inside my mind…! And all I would keep saying is that I am scared it’s all too good to last long. It’s almost like I was waiting for something bad to happen to prove me right. But the worst bit is that nothing happened and yet I managed to turn it all sour, for a whole day (and counting, by the way). Even after trying really hard to be ecstatic about one of my best friends coming back home, and us having made plans of spending some quality time together after a long time, and also about finally talking to this one person who I always count on for brutally sensible advice, after being away from him for months on end.  And that got me thinking…

Have I too turned into one of those people who are never happy unless they have something to be sad about? Am I one of those who thrive on melancholy, who love to begin a conversation with a sad sigh and who can somehow always manage to see the shadow before they see the sunlight? You know what’s more screwed up? I so know I am not.

So here’s hoping tomorrow sees a more contended and more coherent me.


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