I absolutely hate keeping drafts in my blog… for me it feels like an unfinished deal between me and my blog, as if I am not loyal enough to be totally committed to my blog. But this post is special. So unfinished though it is, I am posting it. Because well, sometimes, less is more. Just in case, I wrote this just a few hours before I got engaged, so it’s gotta mean something, right?
Finally, after a long long hiatus, I am back with my words. And the irony of the whole thing is that while I kept giving myself the excuse that with the upcoming project presentations and other “personal” stuff, I really didn’t have the time to dabble with words anymore, I find the time (having got nothing much else to do except try and get back to sleep) to post this today, of all days.
I am getting engaged today.
To the “guy in Vietnam”, my “R” I kept mentioning in previous posts if you cared enough to notice that sneaky mention from time to time, although more often than not he was really ubiquitous in my writings.
So until yesterday while the whole family was going crazy running around going over things again and again, I would be found pacing in front of the house, making calls to childhood friends, ruminating a little, giggling a little and sighing a lot. I was always the “kid” in the group, you see. And yet I am now one of those first few girls in my batch to take a step towards the nuptial direction. I honestly wonder how it turned out to be this way, although the elder sister insists this was always how it was meant to be, given the fact that I was the “Mujhe bachpan se hi shaadi ka bada craze hain by God!” types. But then again, she would know. She should know. It is her best friend I am getting engaged to, after all.
The post got left here. But well, if you really need to know, I’m glad I held on to those quiet moments in the morning all for myself. Because after that I hardly had time for anything, not even to stop and spare a thought as to how I was feeling, not even to breathe. Okay, correction. It was not like I didn’t have time to breathe. I just couldn’t breathe. I was that excited. Although having a whole bunch of girls (my big girl gang, I would love to say) with me in my room with “Teenage Dream” blasting from the speakers while just outside, my would-be in-laws waited for the demure (ahem!) bride to come out, was something!! I was actually banging my head to the beats, the hair-bun my beautician painstakingly made for me could go to hell for all I cared.
And then, when Mom came in to call me to go outside, I was sure something or the other was falling apart or that I would fumble in a few steps, it was like I couldn’t walk without holding my sister’s hand. I don’t really remember how I ended up sitting there in front of the whole crowd, but what I do remember is the look on R’s face. Poor guy must have been more nervous than I was! And although part of me was going all giggle-giggle, what with my girl-friends going all “Sam.. you ought to be shy!” or “Sam, we should start with the Teenage Dream now, eh?”, this huge part of me was melting bit by bit and getting molded into this soon-to-be wife, and daughter-in-law. Add to it the fact that the normally tongue-in-cheek R was so serious that day he wouldn’t even talk to me….!!
But the best part was the whole getting absorbed into R’s family, as if I’d forever been a part of it. Like that time when Ma-in-law wanted to stand next to me while posing for the family shots, and asked my Mom to let her be the one next to me. Or when BIL wouldn’t shake hands for goodbye given that I’m officially his bhabhi now and so I hugged him instead . Its always been the small things for me, you know. Just like the look on R’s face when he had to leave me and go away that day. Made all the unsaid words insignificant I tell you.
Now when I have friends asking me if getting engaged makes me feel any different, I say yes, and then end up wondering how a ring can make things different all of a sudden. Maybe it is because now conversations with family invariably have some mention or the other about the wedding, and well, me and R talk about it most of the times too. Of course it also means the distance of two-thousand miles between us now becomes more and more cursed. Also that I have taught myself to find more joy in the anticipation (ten months until we get married sounds like a long time) than to lament about how we didn’t even get time to spend together. Learning to grow up really, I guess.
At the same time, it is back to the dreaded campus. End terms are going on, and I have still my project presentation to worry about. So while one moment I am talking about wedding halls and stuff with my mother, the next I am cribbing about grades and exams in front of friends, and then later, excitedly discussing about the songs we’re going to sing and what we’re going to wear in the National level Youth Festival we’re attending this January. While one moment I’m talking to my Mom about how I don’t really like heavy gold jewellery and it wouldn’t make much sense to get me stuff like that for the wedding, the next moment I am flaunting my newly shipped belly-button stud (thanks soul sister, you know who you are) in front of my room-mate and we both end up laughing our heads off about how now each time I walk my tummy starts jingling! And after all that it is again back to long mushy phone calls with my brand new fiance, and weeping each time I see the new Airtel ad “Endless Goodbye” because well, real life isn’t any way like that.
So much for now. I know I am incoherent when I am on a roll. And tonight I seem to be. Wrapping it up before things get out of hand. Ciao!