I find it amazing that last year around this time, I was like a cat on a hot tin roof. Restless, jumpy and a little nervous. I was still waiting to complete my much dreaded MCA, and counting down months till my wedding. I was at times breathless with excitement, and at others freaking out at the thought of everything that was to come. Time was the best roller coaster ride I could be on. I spent sleepless nights dreaming of the wedding, and countless hours imagining the tiniest details. So much that maybe I never thought beyond the wedding. About how being married was actually going to be like.
And then I blinked, and six months flew right by me.
Seems like everyone is getting married back home, and each day I open Facebook (when it is not blocked, that is) I am greeted by smiling beautiful faces. Brides. Bridegrooms. Friends. All decked up. The flowers. The stage. The beautiful silks. A sigh escapes me unwittingly. I was once there too. And the very next moment I tell myself that it has just been six months. Just six months.
Maybe it has to do with the fact that right after a week of being the brand new bride I was whisked away to Far Far Land, away from my new family, away from everybody. Or maybe it is because I still have epiphanies in the dead of the night when I see this handsome man lying next to me, and realize he is, after all, my *husband*. That’s right. Even after all this time. Whatever it might be, truth is, when I see newly wed brides, I kind of feel a little sad it is all over. What that “it” is, I need to think about. Could be the anticipation of the unknown. Could be the pampering and the undivided attention I basked in as the new daughter-in-law. Could be the dressing up in my best silk and sitting pretty with nothing to do. I miss it all. And something tells me I will never get it back.
Don’t get me wrong. Marriage has not lost its charm to me and I am hoping it never does. Maybe it is just that I have become more relaxed in the role of the wife. And maybe now is the time to look beyond the glitter and glamour and the pink paper confetti and the flashing neon lights to look at the real picture. This is what is real. The tiffs and the fights. The door slamming and the goofing about. Sitting in the balcony watching the sea of traffic and talking about life and love for three hours straight over sweet tea and savory pakodas. And then some lame comment that saps the romance out of the whole moment. But then it is also about being told it is okay to put on a little as long as I am healthy (bless his heart!). And being held oh so tight when I am terrified of the thunderstorm outside. And when an irrelevant moment turns into a precious one because R takes a look at my mangalsutra and casually mentions it must have been made for me, and he was just the lucky guy who got to have his name on it.
I have always lived my life in the anticipation of the “What’s next?”. To the extent that sometimes I forget to cherish the here and now. I had thought that with the wedding gone, the next “What’s next” is something that is far, far away. But I was wrong. There is so much to enjoy now. Like this moment when I feel blessed for being married to this wonderful person who has the patience to deal with me every day, and enough love to not make it seem like an effort.
Here’s to putting away the best silks and the heavy golds. Here’s to making way for the everyday.