I can’t believe it has been over a year since I posted on this blog. I mean, when I opened the site today to “just check how long it has been” I expected it to be a long time, but it was kind of a rude awakening for me to see it has been THAT long. And now I feel a little sad. I imagine this blog abandoned in this colossal space called the internet, left for dead, waking up with a spark during the rare times someone stumbled upon it, only to be left alone again, drifting away with no idea of what has happened in the long year that has passed it by.
Oh well, nothing much has changed, except, oh, I AM A MOM NOW!
Yes, I meant to yell it out. From the virtual rooftops.
But yes, now that I have gained the proud shiny badge of a stay at home mom, my life centers around that tiny little thing that I swear is growing by the minute. Then again, I am living in a time-warp. I don’t know when morning turns to night and when night becomes morning. I wake up on Monday morning, blink, and it is Friday evening and the husband and I am having whispered conversations in the semi-dark living room with music turned on at the lowest possible volume, trying to have a prolonged dinner and some semblance of our pre-baby Friday date nights, while I practically sit with one ear cocked for any sound from the bedroom where little bub is sleeping. I have, in plain sad words, let go of anything that doesn’t concern the little ball of flesh that giggles when you tickle her. And the biggest casualty has been none other than this blog, and my writing in general.
I have always been a compulsive writer. Correction, had been. Which had lead to this blog being created and sustained in the first place. I remember back in my post graduation days when I clung onto this blog like a lifeline, and felt an almost physical itch to update every few days. Writing started as catharsis for me, and the more I wrote the more it became a part of my life. And like everything else, the more I wrote, the easier it became for me… to find just the right word, to find just the right tone, and the right flow. Oh, the flow! I think I miss that the most now. I remember days when I would write a post for hours in my mind, and it would take all of half an hour to type it out. Which is in stark contrast to how things are now. I mean, I am still mentally writing blog posts. All the time. The only difference is that by the time it is evening and I have an hour to myself (in which I have to have dinner, squeeze in some quality time with the husband, shower AND catch up on phone calls), I am either too tired to sit in front of the laptop, or not motivated enough. In all fairness, the two nights I did try to sit and write something, baby girl decided she needed to wake every fifteen minutes. Believe me when I say that nothing dries up the creative juices more than frequent interruptions, specially when the interruptions are caused by a five-month old. Who, I should probably mention, has just discovered the joys of rolling over from back to belly, along with the frustration of not knowing how to roll over from her belly to back.
(Look at me, slyly slipping snippets about baby girl every now and then. See what I mean now? It is apparently impossible for me to have any conversation without mentioning her every other minute. Right. I have become one of “those” Moms *insert eye-roll*)
But back to my writing, or rather, the lack of it. I spent a miserable evening just a couple of days ago, lamenting my loss of the habit of writing, more than anything else, and wondering if (gasp!) I had lost it. So obviously like a mature adult, I did what I had to. Turn to my parents and weep in front of them. My Mom told me I had to just keep writing, no matter what. And gave me a dire warning: if you let it go, you will lose it forever! Dad’s advice was so much easier to accept. This is not regression, he said. You are evolving as a writer, and when this phase passes, you will emerge a different writer. You are a Mom now, and that changes a lot of things, along with perspective.
Now, whether I emerge a “better” writer is a different matter altogether. For now, I would be happy to just get the regularity back. But maybe there’s hope afterall, now that I have at least written this post. A yet more hopeful part of me tells me that as baby girl grows, things will get slightly easier, and I will be less tired (read not feel like a sugarcane sapped of its juice) every evening, and will get more time to dedicate to my blog. So here’s to the new awakening! Here’s to the blog that has risen from the dead!
P.S. I had written a couple of posts, mostly on food, on my “other” blog, of course, and for a while I considered finally merging both my blogs together into one, but it seemed like too much of a hassle to my sleep-deprived mind. Maybe someday when I am saner and have gathered my wits together I will make the effort and my two blogs will “meet” each other. Until then, be prepared for the ramblings of a stay at home Mom. Be forewarned.