Why do we do what we do?

First of all, I have news. Big news. But before I give my news, I have to set the stage, so to speak. So bear with me.

Nearly fifteen years ago, when I graduated with Physics honours, all my love for the subject had been drained out of me. I knew, I simply knew that pursuing Physics any further wasn’t an option for me. The very thought of being in a laboratory doing practical work would make me break into cold sweat (my worst nightmares, even now, feature the laboratory from my college) Anything remotely related to the sciences didn’t appeal to me. So I begged my father to let me do something else. I didn’t care if I had wasted three years of my life studying for a degree I wouldn’t use. I didn’t care that I would have to start all over again. All I’d wanted was a fresh start in a discipline that my heart truly desired. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, too. It was something I realised I was good at, and something I liked doing, and something that appealed to that part of me that wanted to help others feel better.

What I ended up doing, as most of you know, was a masters degree in Computer Applications that I gave yet another three years of my life to. I didn’t end up using that degree either. What I found the most fulfilment was in teaching, and so I got myself a CELTA certificate so I could teach English language. But then I realised that I wasn’t technically qualified to do what I loved (teach English at higher levels) and what I was qualified for (any job related to computer applications) I didn’t want to do.

And so, after fifteen years of desiring this, after fifteen years of holding it close to my heart like the wisps of a beautiful dream, I have – drumrolls please – enrolled in a PG Diploma course in Counselling Psychology! It’s a fifteen-month long course at the end of which I will be qualified to practice, but more than that, it’s one step closer to a masters degree, which is what the plan is eventually. I wish I could reach out to twenty-year old me, pacing the living room of our house on the phone with a therapist, asking her what I needed to do in order to become a therapist like her, even as Deuta told me in no uncertain terms that he wouldn’t let me waste my Physics degree. I wish I could tell her that the plan was in place. That it wasn’t time for it yet, and if she was patient enough, it would come her way, fifteen years down the line.

My first class was last Thursday, and I couldn’t stop smiling! From the minute our lecture started, I felt like I was finally home where I belonged, that this was exactly what I was meant to do. It wrapped me in its warmth, soft and comforting like a pashmina shawl, and then settled in my very core, humming and singing. It took me some time to identify it was for what it truly was – unadulterated happiness. Meanwhile, the inner nerd in me was rolling up her sleeves, dusting off her old glasses, bracing to write miles and miles of notes. Yes, colour coded ones. We received our textbook three days before course started, and I couldn’t wait to break into it. Even as I read, I couldn’t help thinking about how this was the first textbook in my life that I read of my own volition, because I wanted to, and not because I HAD to. As for class, we are diving right into the good stuff. We’re talking about ethics and morals and values, and talking about how our culture and upbringing plays a role into shaping who we are. At the beginning of the class though, our lecturer told us that talking about ethics isn’t really complete without talking about philosophy, specifically our own philosophy in life, and that indeed, can be condensed into one thought-provoking question – Why do we do what we do?

What is it that drives us to do what we do? It might seem vague at first, but once you take a closer look, or rather, a deeper dive, you will realise that there is one unifying theme that defines everything you do in life. For me, the realisation came almost a year ago, when trying to plan a surprise for my husband’s 40th birthday. It is what I succinctly call the philosophy of “the bigger bottle of cologne”.

If anyone’s read Little Women – or even the first chapter of it, really – they would know that it opens on Christmas Eve, when the four girls are lamenting the fact that they don’t have presents that year. Through their conversations, we get a glimpse into each of their personalities. Meg, the eldest, is sensible and practical, Jo is a tomboy and a writer, Beth the very milk of kindness and Amy is, well, vain. Then that evening they receive a letter from their father, who is a chaplain away from home during war, and they are reminded once again that they should be grateful for what they have instead of whining about what they don’t. The next morning, when they put together their presents for their mother, the girls realise Amy’s present is missing. In a while the mystery is solved when Amy herself appears, holding a bottle of cologne. She then sheepishly admits that she had bought their mother a smaller bottle of cologne so she would have enough money left to buy herself a box of crayons, but after reading their father’s letter, she realised that she was being selfish, and so she went to exchange the small bottle of cologne for a bigger one.

Why I talk about Little Women is because two years ago, I found myself in a similar situation – quite literally indeed. I’d decided to go all out for my husband’s 40th birthday. I’d had everything planned – 13 gifts for (almost) every waking hour of the day, starting from bath products at 7am to a bottle of gin at 7pm – each related to what he would do during that time of the day. He’d had no idea, of course. So when he brought home a sample of a Chanel perfume and kept raving about how much he loved it, I told him I would get him that for his birthday. As I scrolled through the website, trying to find the perfume for him, I was faced with the same option as Amy – the smaller one, or the bigger one? After all, he didn’t know that he already had twelve other gifts in store for him. Would it really make that much of a difference if I got him the smaller bottle? I didn’t hesitate though, and I got him the bigger bottle. That, right there, was my aha moment, when I realised that all my life, I have always been giving the bigger bottle of cologne, so to speak.

While my husband’s birthday and the perfume was quite a literal interpretation of “the bigger bottle of cologne”, everything else in my life is somehow governed by that philosophy. If I have the capacity and ability to give more of myself, I will never give less. I was sharing this with a friend of mine, someone I quite enjoy having philosophical discussions with, and he refined it to one word – being genuine. Suddenly it made sense – why “To thine own self be true” is something that resonates with me the most.

It has been a long and arduous journey, accepting that above everything else, I need to be true to myself. Having been a people pleaser all my life, it has taken me a long time to accept that sometimes, people will not like me. Sometimes, they might straight up despise me. It used to be an uncomfortable thought – the idea that someone somewhere hates my very guts because I don’t conform to their ideas of a good friend or even a good person. But I am learning to sit with this discomfort and be okay with it. Because at the end of the day, I need to look myself in the eye and say that I have stood up for myself. I have stayed true to myself.

What I love about doing this course is that it promises to be an introspective journey, and I am all for it. I think it all adds up really. In order to be true to myself, I need to know who I really am, and what makes me, me. At the end of fifteen months, I should be in a better place to gauge why I do the things I do. Even the ones I am not proud of. Like not answering calls and answering texts unless when I truly want to, or cutting people off my life left right and centre if that relationship doesn’t give me joy.

So what is your philosophy of life? What drives you to do what you do? It’ll be so interesting to see what motivates different people in their life.

TL;DR – I’ve enrolled in a PG Diploma course, I have found that being true to myself is what drives me to do everything in life and I’d like to know what drives you in your life.

P.S. I have moved on from watercolour pencils to watercolour paint and I suck at it even more, but there’s nothing stopping me from making messes on paper every single day!